Are you someone who thinks, “I need closure!” before you can heal your broken heart? I know more than I’d like to admit about hoping for closure with my college ex.
Loving him like no other man, I was in deep before we broke up. Love can be all-consuming.
We didn’t have some big final blow out or fight. What ended things was just that last straw. One Saturday night when we went out, we’d been in the college-town bar for about 30-minutes. He wanted to go and said he’d wait for me in the car.
I had no intention of leaving early, especially not after half an hour. So, I told him to take my keys and go back to my apartment. Someone would give me a ride home. I was done!
When I returned at midnight, I said to him, “Get your stuff and I’ll drive you back to the dorm.” He looked at me quizzically but got in the car. On the way there I chatted about running into this friend or that. Upbeat, happy, and like nothing odd was happening.
We got to the dorm, he took his stuff, and got out. Then he bent over to look in the car and said goodbye. I said, “Goodbye Steven,” and that was the last time I talked to him for over 10 years.
I was incredibly sad, but this “on and off” relationship that had been dragging me down was OVER. There was some relief in that, along with a broken heart from a great love ending.
Honestly, I’m still not sure how I held it together to do that.
Do You Really Need Closure To Move On?
The heartbreak lasted longer than I ever thought it would. never having that final conversation left me craving for one. I thought “I need closure” but how could I get that?
Years went by and I’d find myself rehearsing my speech for him all too often. All the things I thought he should know. How he had lost a wonderful woman and what a mistake he made treating me poorly.
I didn’t date anyone else for YEARS. Never met any guys that got my attention. My focus centered around needing closure with Steven and the little speech I was perfecting.
I can see this clearly with hindsight but didn’t know how I was keeping myself single at the time.
At our high school reunion, I ran into Steven’s current-day girlfriend, who brought a message from him. (We had gone to the same high school and college.)
She told me he was SORRY about how he treated me! What? He sent her to tell me that, and she actually delivered that message? Was she crazy?
Then I wrote him a letter saying we had to talk. It was time to share my well-rehearsed speech. After all, 10 years of practice was enough, don’t you think?
So, we had dinner, and what I realized blew me away!
There was NOTHING to say because I could see clearly that he was the wrong man for me. All that rehearsing was for naught.
I Got Closure Alright
Where did it come from?
The hard truth about closure is that it’s an “Inside Job.”
Closure comes from within your own heart when you make the healthy decision to choose self-love and self-worth over a man who treated you poorly or wronged you.
Regardless of how much you love someone, that doesn’t mean that person is right for you. And if it was meant to be, then you’d still be together.
That’s why I say closure is a seven-letter word. Sort of like a four-letter word but with a few more letters. You get what I mean.
Surprisingly, what I discovered was that I could have had closure anytime, if I had decided that I was worthy of lasting, supportive, healthy love.
What Should I Do If I Want Closure?
Closure is problematic and trips people up. It’s actually not necessary to move on and heal your heart.
However, if you’ve been chasing closure with some guy, here’s what you’re really hoping for, even if you don’t realize it:
1) You want the last word.
You want to tell him off, tell him you were right, tell him he stinks. Whatever the message, you want to let him know how you feel and that he was wrong, wrong, wrong. And you want HIM to feel badly too.
This way he’ll regret leaving you, pushing you away, cheating on you, or whatever it is he did.
In my case, I wanted closure even though I was the one who ended things. I had cheated myself out of that last conversation. Truth is – it wouldn’t have made a difference or changed one thing.
2) You hope to get back together.
If you could have an open conversation with him and UNDERSTAND what the problem was, you’re sure you could fix it. Even after everything he did and all you endured, you still love him and would do anything to get him back.
How To Get Closure From A Guy
How do I know this is true about closure – that it comes from within?
I’ve got 20 years of listening to women AND men tell me their stories. You can’t imagine how many people think they just need closure so they can move on.
They are extremely surprised when I tell them they CAN GET closure. In fact, they are in charge of closure with an ex because, as I mentioned earlier, closure is an inside job.
If you have been holding out for closure before you move on to find love again, it’s time to shut that door yourself. Find a way to let it go.
I wish I could give you a detailed description of how to let go, but I’m still working on the recipe for myself. One thing I know is that it’s a decision and can literally happen in seconds.
You just have to decide to let it go.
Is Closure Really Necessary?
Everyone is different and some people can release an ex easier than others. They let go of what they know is simply not in their best interest and that is an amazing skill to have and cultivate.
However, if you find yourself wishing you had closer, then it’s really important for YOU.
Opening to new higher frequencies, so you can manifest whatever it is you want – love, new career, new home, new friends, more money, better health, etc.
To find a new love, the first step is to CLEAR OUT THE OLD. The clearer you are, the more likely you will not repeat this lesson or end up with the same kind of guy in the same sort of unhealthy pattern.
I encourage you to release what no longer serves you, whether that’s the need for closure, your ex, old wounds, old heartbreak, or mistaken ideas and beliefs that hold you back.
Clear out the clutter in your energy field to make room for the kind of amazing loving relationship you want. Once you’re clear, you can start the process over to manifest your heart’s desire.
Open to what is for your highest good and the loving, supportive, fun relationship you deserve.
Are you tired of his mixed signals and feeling confused because he says one thing and does another? Get my Free book, His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing to understand what is going on with men.
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.
