“I don’t want to say no because that might hurt people. I’ll be judged and come across as selfish, rude, or unsocial.” Does this sound relatable? We have all been in the same boat. I was a closet introvert too, insecure and fearful of missing out on the “good” things if I rejected an invite or dishonored a request. Not anymore, and I have learned it the hard way!
Creating your boundaries and communicating it can be a liberating experience most of us take for granted. Unless you prioritize your needs, you’ll disappoint someone or the other in the process, including yourself. Even when everyone else is happy, you’ll still suffer. So, you must face your fears and become your number one priority. Because the truth is you cannot make everyone happy, but you can make yourself happy.
As social beings, we want to be a part of a group to feel a sense of belongingness. So, saying “yes” is natural since being perceived as “nice” is easier than being seen as uptight and challenging. But that’s an endless road to misery!
How does not saying “no” lead to suffering?
Having no clarity about your wants or expectations affects your levels of confidence. If your answer seems negotiable or has room for accommodation when people make demands, confusions brew. This can cause sadness and even self-loathing in the long run. Whoever makes you a request will continue doing so if you don’t draw your boundaries early on. Here is how you continue to suffer when you put others before you:
● You waste your time fulfilling someone else’s goals instead of engaging in high-value activities that enrich your life.
● You betray yourself by choosing other’s happiness over yours.
● You prolong your pain and remain stuck in a meaningless relationship.
● You compromise on your social life and deprive yourself of the support of true friends and well-wishers.
Why is saying “no” the best thing you could do for yourself?
Self-care is the best treat you can indulge in. Only when you are happy do you feel content, and life seems to have meaning. Know that you could go to the end of the world for some people, but sometimes, they still won’t be happy. What do you do then? Take the blame because you couldn’t make them happy? No! How people feel inside reflects their mental makeup, and you’ve got no role to play there. The sooner you come to terms with this, the freer you’ll feel. Besides, you’re only responsible for your own happiness and not anyone else’s.
So, when you say “no” in your personal and professional spaces, here is what you’ll get:
● People start valuing you.
● You’ll have more time for yourself, particularly for leisure.
● You’ll find it easier to set clear boundaries with people and communicate how you wish to be treated.
● You can set your goals and work towards them with increased productivity.
● You’ll create a more peaceful headspace and feel less suffocated.
How to start saying “no” without fear?
Being able to say “no” is a reflection of your emotional intelligence. Knowing your prerequisites for happiness can be an empowering experience. If “Yeah”, “Okay”, “Of course”,” I’ll be happy to”, and “Sure” are your go-to words because you want to be appreciated and loved, you’ve got some work to do on yourself. You may feel guilty initially or, perhaps even angry, but start slow, and you’ll get there.
Saying “no” does not mean you have to be rude, unkind, or disrespectful. But it’s not easy.
So, we are here with a few tips that should help you gain more confidence and overcome the fear of saying “no”:
① You are not abandoning niceness
Living in fear won’t take you far. So, if you wish to attract more peace, contentment, and happiness, you’ll have to organize your life. This will help you make the most of your time, as time is a precious resource. As long as you are friendly, less defensive, or reactive, communicating clearly is a strength, not a weakness.
② People who love you won’t abandon you
If you fear saying “no” because you are too scared to disappoint people, know that only those who don’t care would be annoyed by your boundaries or refusals. The ones who truly care will respect your choices and stay even when you shift your priorities to be kinder to yourself. Isn’t that the best test of who your real friends are?
③ You have the right to be happy
Just like everyone else, you have the right to live life on your terms. Allow yourself to have some peace of mind by tending to your desires or needs. When you start giving a little more love to yourself, people around you will stop taking you for granted. Even if they don’t, that’s okay! You should be more fearful of being used than designing your life just the way you like, one that’s fulfilling and worth living. Your life begins with you. Therefore, you have every right to be who you wish to be. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
④ Your needs are valid
Honoring your needs sets the pace for a rewarding life. Shoving your actual needs aside to be in the good books of people is a recipe for disaster. Having needs does not mean you are weak and selfish. How can you be there for others when you aren’t there for yourself during your greatest need? If your wishes are taken care of, taking care of others doesn’t feel like a burden. So, drop the fear and be good to yourself first.
⑤ You’re setting a great example
They say that unless you feed your soul, your mind and body will be trapped in suffering. And honestly, it’s a fact we cannot deny. Creating a mutually respectful environment will open doors to joy and satisfaction not just for you but everyone around. Building a healthy environment free of guilt allows room for more love and accountability. You’ll only help people learn what it means to prioritize one’s well-being over everything else. Subconsciously, people do pick these signals and start imitating. So, it’s a win-win!
The inability to prioritize yourself can fill you with remorse. It’s a treacherous cycle and has deep links with your upbringing and early childhood experiences.
Getting over the negative feelings of saying “no” is a process. Saying “no” is hard, but a clutter-free life with authentic relationships is what you should strive for. That’s a powerful transformation you’ll be proud to celebrate. If you don’t think for yourself, nobody will. So, start living life as you please and let the right ones gravitate towards you!