Do you flirt? What is flirting in the digital age anyway? Many single women don’t flirt and aren’t quite sure what that even means.
Flirting Definition
According to Google, flirting is defined as a way of behaving, as though you are attracted to or trying to attract someone’s attention. However, and this is important, even Google recognizes this process is done more for amusement rather than with serious intentions. (I’ll talk about this second piece later.)
I’ve seen other definitions that go a bit deeper to explain how flirting is a creative and playful way to interact with the opposite sex. One thing I know is that flirting is highly enlivening, and makes you feel young and alive!
How could something that is this much fun be shunned by so many women?
It seems most people have a misconception about flirting. They feel it’s misleading or sexual and if you flirt with someone, it’s almost like you are promising to follow through on something. Nothing could be farther from the truth!
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What Is Flirting and What Purpose Does It Serve?
Just like the definition, flirting is perfect for capturing a man’s attention and letting him know you are open to talking with him. The point is to make him feel like you are a good risk if he decides to walk over to meet you.
This might surprise you, but men don’t like to face rejection either. So, when you flirt with a man across the room, you are letting him know you are friendly and open to his approach. That makes him feel a bit safer with taking a chance on you.
Non-Verbal Flirting
Right now, I’m just talking about flirty body language. Traditionally, most flirting tips were specifically about communicating without saying a word. This was often at a distance. Like trying to get a man’s attention across a crowded bar.
Examples of Flirting in Person
If you catch a man’s eye, hold eye contact for 2-3 seconds before gracefully turning your head away. You can look back in a couple of minutes and do this again to reinforce your interest but, be careful not to overdo it – this is only a quick look.
Playing with your hair or jewelry is very flirty and communicates that you are available and open. Same thing is true for crossing your legs and uncrossing them.
With one hand, smooth your sleeve or down the side of your clothing. Or touch your neck. A sensual move that is eye-catching and a great move when flirting in person.
You can also look at a guy over your shoulder, smile briefly and turn away. That’s a good one. And if you feel bold and very attracted, catch his eye, look him up and down, then smile and catch his eye again! Whoa, that’s hot!
Verbal Flirting Examples
However, today verbal flirting has become far more prominent since meeting new people has shifted to a digital world with dating apps and sites. Now you need to know how to write flirty texts which currently, is the first point of contact.
That requires a sense of humor and even better, a quick wit. But not everyone feels confident with this type of flirting which is why the web is full of articles about how to flirt with a guy over text.
Back in the day there were pick up lines for the bar scene. Some lines you heard often such as, “Do you come here often?” Or, “Have we met before?” One of my all-time favorites though was, “Can I buy you a drink or should I just give you the money?” LOL – that is too funny!
The trouble is, it’s not easy to know if your flirting will come across as cheesy or offensive. So, this needs a little finesse to be successful.
The point of a flirty text is to let someone know you are thinking about them. But, not too much. This is definitely something you can overdo.
Another reason to send a flirty text is to see if there might be a next date. A little nudge sent once, can get things rolling again if your courtship has stalled early on.
Don’t get heavy handed – keep it light. Flirting is always light-hearted. Well maybe a little sarcasm at times can also work. Ultimately, the goal is to get a date scheduled, so you can meet, spend time in person and stop all the texting!
Flirty Questions to Ask A Guy
Maybe flirting by text isn’t your specialty. No worries – here’s a place I can help. I’ve got a series of texts you can try that aren’t too over the to, but sure get the job done.
The best topics to draw upon include:
- Something about your last date
- Something about your next date
- What you are doing right now
- What reminds you of him
- Something flattering and funny
You can’t go wrong with any of these topics and should find them pretty easy to build on. Many are just thought starters. This is not rocket science, believe me. This is a place to use your sense of humor and take a chance on a message that’s a little offbeat to capture his attention.
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20 Fun & Flirty Questions and Texts
- I can’t figure out what makes you so adorable
- You are pretty awesome
- I can’t sleep and you are to blame
- Wanna hear a secret?
- Seeing your name pop up on my phone made me smile
- Thinking about you is giving me butterflies
- You’ll like what I’m wearing tonight
- Burgers (any food) are calling me. Are you free tonight?
- You looked really good last night
- How can you take it? It’s been too long since we talked and I’m so cute
- I just heard this song on the radio that made me think of you
- Dreamt about you last night but I can’t tell you about it
- Can’t decide how to start a conversation with you. Should I tell a joke, try a tacky pickup line, or offer a compliment? You choose.
- Did you smile when my name popped onto your screen?
- In case you’ve been thinking of me, today’s the perfect day to set up our next date.
- You make this kind of flirting FUN
- Your smile turns me inside out
- Which emoji reminds you of me most?
- Your eyes see into my soul
- I’m thinking about our first kiss
The point of how to flirt through text is to nudge a guy to get a response. Just keep in mind, if you have to nudge him more than once or twice, he’s most likely not that into you. Doesn’t matter how busy a man is, if he’s into you he’ll find the time.
What Does Flirting Mean?
Surprisingly, flirting actually means nothing in terms of whether or not a man wants to date you or is serious about getting to know you. For the most part, flirting is just fun. It’s a great way to break the ice and have an enjoyable conversation. But if you fall into the trap of thinking a man is into you because he flirts with you, you’ll be opening yourself up to a lot of disappointment.
The same thing is true for you when you flirt with a man. You can flirt because some guy is good looking and catches your eye. But after a few exchanges you might decide he’s not for you. See, the point of flirting is a means of getting to know someone. There is NO PROMISE on either side.
That’s why you don’t have to feel badly about leading a guy on. Many women have this fear and as a result avoid flirting completely. That’s a shame! If you skip flirting, you are missing out on a significant chunk of your feminine charm and allure. This is an innate part of you that is actually coded into your DNA. Yes, flirting is one of your birthrights.
Let’s go back to what flirting means for a moment. The last thing you want to do is think that a man has serious interest in you just because he flirts with you. But that’s not how you gauge a man’s interest. More about this later.
Suffice it to say that its not wise to fall for a man just because he pays attention to you and flirts. Feel free to enjoy the flirting – sure! But don’t make the mistake of thinking he’s into you for more than the fun of flirting.
Flirting Vs. True Attraction
There is a huge difference between flirting and true attraction. A man who flirts with you can be a lot of fun and you may find him very attractive. But what is he doing to spend time with you and win you over? What effort is he making to get to know you more deeply rather than just surface things?
Most often a guy who flirts with you does this when he stops by your desk at work or shows up at a place where he knows you’ll be. Trouble is, he’s not asking you out on a date. That means he’s most likely seeking you out because interacting with you is fun and great for his ego.
On the other hand, if his intent is more serious, he’ll want your number. He’ll call, not just text, and most importantly, he’ll ask you out for a real date. Not just a walk in the park or a cup of coffee for an hour.
Once he gets past that first date, he’ll want to enjoy his time with you, not just hope he can run into you. A man who is serious is curious about you and wants to get to know what makes you tick. He’ll ask you questions and not just talk about himself.
Some men reveal a lot of personal details, and a lot of women think he must like and really trust you if he does this. However, this is usually a ploy to gain your trust and draw you in, so he can get HIS needs met.
Why His Flirting Might Not Matter
Of course, it’s true there are flirty men who do want a genuine relationship. However, the only way to know for sure is to pay attention to his actions, not what he says. His words might be sweet but they don’t mean anything without being backed up by his actions to spend time with you in a meaningful way.
You might think that he texts regularly and responds to your texts, so that should be good sign. Unfortunately there are plenty of men who love to text, but never ask for a date.
What’s even better is a man who wants to talk with you on the phone and hear your voice. And the real test is if a man asks you out consistently, at least once a week for several weeks in a row. Now this is a man who is likely serious about you and not just flirting.
You might meet a man who catches your attention by flirting and still flirts with you on dates or in between because that’s his charming way. But if a guy is just flirty, doesn’t call or take you on dates, there is no way he’s into you beyond the fun of flirting.
Keep in mind, men don’t usually just change and want more. If he’s been flirting with you for months but hasn’t advanced things, he’s just having fun.
So, if you are seeking lasting love with the right man, no matter how attractive or fun the flirty guy is, he’s absolutely not the right man for you. He’s can’t be “The One.”
When Does Flirting Work Best?
Flirting is perfect for when you are just getting interested in someone. It’s an easy and fun way to start or extend a conversation. You can give a good impression about being a lively and entertaining woman – that can be very attractive.
Learn more! Flirt School is now in session.
When Doesn’t Flirting Work?
Flirting is not always the answer or the way to attract a man. For example, if you have a specific man in mind, don’t think your flirting will automatically get him to ask you out. He still has to be attracted to you, interested in dating and looking for a relationship. As mentioned above, plenty of men will flirt but don’t want anything more.
Or frankly, aren’t even free to date you!
Some women try to go after a man and it might be worth a shot. But you also have to be careful. This can backfire if your flirting comes across as aggressive instead. Clients have told me how they followed my flirting tips and nothing worked.
Getting deeper into what they were doing, it became clear they held eye contact too long, pushing a man away. Or they texted too much, invading a man’s territory without enough response on his end.
As already covered, if you’ve already been flirting for quite a while, more flirting won’t change the tide or get him to make the first move or ask you out. Even a shy man knows what to do if he wants to date you, so don’t think you are helping him out by getting the ball rolling.
How To Tell If He’s Just Flirting
Okay, this is easier than you might think! You can tell within a short amount of time if a man is just flirting because he does nothing to take it to the next level. He doesn’t ask for your number or ask you out. And, if he does get your digits, he never calls or texts.
Sometimes you’ll bump into a guy who flirted with you and he’ll be so happy to see you. But then nothing further happens again. There you have it – he’s not serious and just flirting. Hopefully, you are starting to catch on to the pattern.
There are plenty of men who simply enjoy interacting with women. Let’s face it flirting can be a lot of fun. It’s uplifting, creative and makes you feel incredibly alive and desirable. These are all wonderful benefits for either gender. Flirting is actually GOOD for you because it makes you feel wonderful about yourself. As long as you don’t get caught up thinking it means something.
A Personal Flirting Story
Let me tell you a story about my own flirting. I was having the time of my life flirting with an incredibly attractive man. We met in a crowded bar and had fantastic banter. The conversation flowed so beautifully all I could think about was how to get more.
He was complimentary and I thought for sure he was into me. Why else would a man spend 90 minutes chatting and laughing with me right? He talked about meeting me the next week at the same bar.
I tried to give him my number, so we could talk and maybe meet sooner. However, he said I was making things hard. Really? This confused the hell out of me. Why would he want to wait a week and meet me in that same place again?
What was I doing that made things difficult for him?
How Flirting Can Fail
Turns out this cutie had come with a male friend who told me exactly what the problem was. When Mr. Flirty went off to the men’s room, his friend pulled me aside and said, “He’s married.” What?!? He wasn’t wearing a ring. I was so surprised and incredibly disappointed, leaving hurriedly right after that eye-opening exchange.
How lucky was I that his friend told me the truth?
I would have been hanging on and might have fallen for the idea of meeting him the following week. And that might have gone on for a while. I guess Mr. Flirty could get out alone once a week with a male friend for a drink so meeting again at the bar was safe in his mind.
That’s why he had no problem flirting with me because in his mind it was harmless. He wasn’t cheating on his wife – he was just talking to me – some woman in a bar. No big deal. He didn’t even have to feel guilty because he didn’t cross any lines with me.
I was the one who gave our flirty interactions meaning and hoped for more. I can’t point a finger at him or blame him for anything that happened. And his wife wasn’t there watching, so I’m sure he thought what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
This is a perfect example of a man who flirted because it was fun and good for his ego. But he had no intentions of dating me or taking things to the next level. And that’s how I learned to distinguish between a man who is genuinely interested and one who is simply flirting.
Why Flirting Works with How Men Think
In person, flirting builds on your overall allure. It’s a way to entice a man to walk over and talk to you. Your flirty ways let a man know you are open to his approach. It’s like an invitation in a way which is very reassuring to a man who doesn’t want to risk an unpleasant rebuff or rejection.
In real life, attraction is 90% non-verbal which is why flirting captures his attention. It’s all the little things you do like playing with your hair or jewelry. Or looking up at him with a sweet smile through your eyelashes. These moves telegraph your openness and interest.
Men like this kind of positive feedback. They don’t enjoy approaching women who have distain for them, ignore them or give them a cold shoulder. Flirting expresses warmth and a playfulness that is attractive to the average man.
Plus, when you flirt through text, you offer the same warmth. When you make it fun to text and talk, a man is more likely to want more time with you.
Think of Flirting Like Hospitality
Let’s say you stay a night at a Ritz Carlton. What happens there and how are you treated? When you drive up, someone opens the car door for you and greets you will a big smile. They say hello, take your bags and drive your car to the garage.
At the front desk they welcome you with a big smile and ask how they can make your stay more enjoyable. Your bags are whisked off to your room for your convenience and whatever you request can most likely be done.
At the Ritz, they live and breathe hospitality because they want you to stay there again.
This same strategy works with men and that’s exactly what flirting does. In general, most men choose a woman who is easy to be with and easy to please. These simple flirty exchanges help a man feel welcomed and make his life easier. That’s a plus!
Some women ask me why they have to do anything to make a man’s life easier. That’s when I explain that if you want to find a quality man for lasting love, he’s got to see how wonderful life with you will be.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting you go overboard or do anything you can’t keep up with. But it sure does help when you are warm, friendly and appreciative. If you are easy to please and be with, your life is more enjoyable as well. This is a win-win strategy for life.
What Keeps You from Flirting?
Now that you know what flirting is all about and why it works so well with men, the question is – why aren’t you doing it? When was the last time you even tried to flirt? Can you remember?
Do you have fears about flirting? Sometimes woman worry they are leading a man on or he will expect something from them if they flirt. But as you’ve read, flirting makes no promises for anyone.
Other women feel too embarrassed to flirt. The truth is, there is nothing wrong or embarrassing about flirting. Once you try it, you’ll see how fun and easy it is. Men will be flattered and you’ll wonder why you avoided it for so long.
You can flirt away and not give out your number or ever talk to a guy again. Because flirting doesn’t mean anything and if he thought it did – well, that’s his problem.
Another reason women don’t flirt is because they say they don’t know how. Yet, if you’ve read this article you know not only how to flirt in person, but also have 20 flirty texts you can borrow. The way I see it, you can’t use that excuse any no longer.
Or you might say flirting doesn’t feel natural to you. Well that’s only because you haven’t done it enough. Get some practice in and you’ll be surprised how quickly you get good at flirting and how much fun it really can be.
What if you feel like flirting isn’t fun for you or just not your cup of tea. Well, you don’t have to flirt. But it sure will make interacting with men a heck of a lot easier and a ton more fun. So if you don’t want dating to be easy or fun, that’s a choice. Not sure if it’s a good one, but you get to decide.
Looking for more in-depth info about flirting in person? Check out Flirt School in session now!
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.
