If you’re a woman who lost her libido, discover the truth about rebuilding libido for a healthier sex life.
Irene Fehr is a Sex and Intimacy Coach who specializes in helping women in rebuilding libido. She helps couples in long-term relationships improve their intimacy and sex. Her mission is to dispel dangerous myths about women’s libido that cause heartache and broken dreams. She is no stranger to her clients’ issues, having recovered from the all-too-common story of a ‘happy marriage turned sexless’ when she lost her libido — all before turning 30.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- How Irene’s marriage went from great sex to no sex
- The truth about rebuilding libido
- What men and women can do to become more intimate
- How to heal body image issues that effect sex
- The truth about women’s libido, and why it’s so often misunderstood
- Three myths about women’s libido
Rebuilding Libido for a Healthy Sex Life
Tell us your story of a happy marriage that turned sexless.
Our relationship was wonderful and filled with lots of sex in the beginning. When our relationship got deeper, my libido started to tank. Started with a lack of lubrication. Doctors told me to use lube. Sex turned painful, and then my whole body recoiled. I was terrified of any intimacy gestures. I disconnected from my husband and shut down. I was distraught. I was suffering in silence. We didn’t know how to talk about it.
I concluded it was my fault, because I’d lost my libido.
I see this in the couples I work with, too. These couples hit a roadblock. And they don’t know what to do.
What are the most dangerous myths about women’s libido, and why are they so bad?
The myths come from one source: so much of how we understand sex is based on the way men experience it.
- Our sexual desire should be spontaneous. Men can be spontaneous and get hard and available for penetration. Women have responsive sexual desire. We respond to what precedes sex. It’s based on how connected she is to her body and her own pleasure. When she’s more connected to her body and desire and to her partner, she’s turned on. Are they touching and playful and passionate?
- If you’re married and love your husband, sex and desire will naturally happen. If you have children and responsibilities, it shifts the dynamic. Women start to feel broken, but they’re starving for connection and spontaneity, just reaching over and giving each other a passionate kiss.
- I’m a superwoman and I can do it all. I should then be able to come to bed at night and still be available sexually. We’re not robots and we can’t do it all. We’re like an engine that needs fuel. If you’re running an empty tank, you can’t be available sexually.
What can women do about this? What can men do?
Schedule sexy time together, and take sex off the table. Hold hands and be silly, be new lovers again. Go for walks and make out. Reintroduce play and carelessness about responsibilities. Touch because it feels good rather than a prelude to sex. Make connection the goal, not sex. It makes you both feel important to each other.
Practice self-care. Connect to things that light you up. Fill your cup before connecting to your partner. Look at all the ways you’re performing, but not nourishing yourself.
What can people do when they’re first dating to create a sexually fulfilling relationship down the line?
Men have more testosterone, so they naturally feel safe. We have far less testosterone and strength, which makes us feel less safe. Our role is to use our voice to create that safety for ourselves. It’s to ask for what we need. Stand in our truth and not say yes to things when we mean no.
When we take care of ourselves, men can co-create safety with us. We need to lead the sexual piece before men initiate and we reject them. When we reject them, it puts us in a more vulnerable position. We then create a space for him to show up. We also need to have men tell us what they’re available for. A relationship? Casual sex?
I recommend putting off sex until you feel safe with a partner. It allows you to stay sober and see things clearly.
What about women who feel unworthy of sex because of their body image?
If sex is about performance, it’s all about your body, but not about you getting nourished. Connect the pleasure in your body. My own journey with my stomach rolls was starting to touch my body, and feeling the pleasure in that part of my body. It was like seeing things differently. It’s a journey of exploring your body and connecting to its pleasure.
Libido is your life force. Come alive in your body. That’s what men want, too!
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